its an uphill battle
i feel like i am climbing up a mountain. i am dragging stones and bags filled with kisses and couches and beds. filled with time missed in class and minutes ticking away as mouths are connected as one, adrenaline pulsing, his hands on the small of my back. texting him during church as he complains about how hung over he is. time missed, ignoring God’s desperate pleas and outstreached arms.
i feel like my back is breaking and my heart is aching. i scratch on the rough dirt, slowly pulling myself forward, crawling on my dirty, bruised knees. my soul heaves and my eyes cry and cry and cannot stop. my mouth yearns for his and my waist yearns for his arm, my hand for his. but my heart. oh my heart. it cries out for God and it blames me for every second.
i thought i was in love, or falling. i didn’t realize that i really was falling, further and further from the Lord that i loved so deeply. i was falling so deeply in sin yet it felt like i was just falling on feathers when i was really tumbling through broken glass and rocks and thorns. i was in a sleepy sinners faze. buzzing along like a tired bee, waiting for my next fix with his lovely eyes and wonderful lips.
but then, on the couch he was on me and nearly in me. too much detail, i know, but then the next day i realized it… there was a small, but very real possibility that i, the good Christian girl, could have a tiny human growing inside her. a mom, at 16. 16. God slapped me in the face there. i cut off all communication from this boy that i cared about so much. he told me everything. he had cried with me, laughed with me. we stood in the park across the street from my house where he’d taught me how to throw a fast ball. he held me and cried, sad, desperate tears as he held me tight and begged me to stay. he still didn’t realize the possibility of the tiny human that could, perhaps, be in me.
as i walked away and got out of his sight i cried so hard that my bones shook and i fought the urge to throw up. i sobbed in desperate pain, for i felt something was trying to claw its way through my chest. i fell to the ground and clawed at the cold cement. i quaked and cried out and he heard me. he ran to me and held me and i just cried. then i walked him to his car and said goodbye forever.
it turned out i didn’t have a baby inside me. its been a long, hard month since i said goodbye and even now as i write of this battle back to God i sit sobbing in silence. my heart aches and my soul screams. i miss him talking to me of his family and i worry for him…
is he smoking pot again? drinking excessively? is he turning to other girls to find the love he claimed to find in me? how is his brain damage? is he running back into his past, his hurt, his blame for his brothers murder? does his mom still hit him? is he still a father figure to his siblings? every time i see him, passing in the hall, he closes his beautiful eyes and looks like he’s about to cry. every time i want to run up to him and hold him and kiss him and tell him everything will be alright.
but i am in my uphill battle up to righteousness.
God is bigger than this, more important than any boy and any hurt.
dylan helped me into sin, and although i hurt, i love the Lord more. He can heal me, make me whole again.
someday, i shall be whole again.
